When something horrible happens to a close friend, it can be hard to find the right words. Gossip Girl creator Cecily von Ziegesar reveals why the answer may be saying nothing at all.

As if being juniors at a competitive New York City girls' school and worrying about SAT scores and applying to college and whether or not we were ready to have sex or get drunk (not necessarily in that order and not necessarily at all) wasn't hard enough, that year my best friend's parents decided to get a divorce. She was distraught, which meant she was by turns pissed as hell and ranting about her stupid, lying, cheating, crazy parents, or crying hysterically.
I was terrified.
My friend was the sister I'd never had. We'd been inseparable since seventh grade. I loved her, and I hated to see her so misersble.
What could I say to make her feel better? What could I do to fix it? I felt helpless and awkward and insufficent. And so I pulled away and avoided being alone with her by sitting with a group of our friends at lunch or busying myself with after-school activities. Day by day we began to grow up apart.
Conveniently for me, my family moved to the suburbs that year, and although I stayed in the same school, it was a long commute, and I had little time to hang out. By the end of year, my former best friend and soul mate and I were mere acquaintances. My heart sank guiltily when we passed each other in the hallway at school, exchanging awkward semifake smiles like strangers. She never conforted me, and I didn't have the courage to tell her what I was feeling. Disloyal jerk that I was, I did nothing. Our precious friendship was officially over, and it was all my fault.
The week after I graduated from high school, my father announced to my mother out of the blue that he wanted a divorce. I found myself torn between them, listening to my mother's tirades with one ear and my father's apologies with the other untill I felt like my head would explode.
By then I had a new best friend. She listened quietly as I fumed and sobbed, not saying anything while one of our favourite movies--Dirty Dancing. Less Than Zero, or Top Gun--played in the background. We ate Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunl ice-cream and fantasized about the Cute College Boys we were about to meet when we started college that fall. We took long drives with the sunroof open and ate chocolate-chip pancakes in random diners. We never actually discussed my parents' divorce, but somehow I always felt better. The divorce was all my parents talked about, so not talking about it was a huge relief. Just by showing up and hanging out, my friend was a total lifesaver.
Many years later that same best friend--yes, she's still my best friend--lost her mother very suddenly. Again, I didn't know what to do or say, and again I was terrified. But I took a deep breath and forced myself to go and see her. I brought a bouquet of her mom's favourite flowers and sat down next to her on the part when Goose dies. I didn't say anything about her mother, and neither did she. And it was such a relief-- for both of us.
Sometimes all we need is to know that we're not alone. Too bad I had to learn that the hard way.